I'm blue. 'Aba dee aba die aba dee aba die'

I woke up at 1 p.m. which was not technically sleeping in, at least not for me. I laid in bed on my phone for a while and then read for an hour or so because I missed reading a lot and I didn't really know why I hadn't read since, well I don't know the last time.

My dad came home and talked to me for a while but I don't really remember what he said. Some friends asked if I wanted to go to the res, I said yes but I planned on flaking out because I didn't want to go to the res or ... anywhere. I wanted to lay there. Actually, no I didn't. I wanted to do nothing. Laying there was something and I had no energy to do something. Yes, laying there took energy, so much energy, energy I did not have. My mind was running a marathon and no matter how badly I willed it to stop running, it continued on and on. I wanted to be unaware, asleep ... but permanently because temporarily just wasn't enough anymore. I had already slept for sooo long though. I couldn't sleep anymore, as badly as I wanted to, my body wouldn't allow it. 

Soon there were several friends on my door step wanting to do something fun which I'm usually pretty good at putting on a show, so I really do seem like a good candidate to go to when someone wants to have fun. I knew that I had faked my happiness for so long that it was starting to become too hard. But I motivated myself to answer the door when I heard them knock. I could tell I looked like death frozen and then reheated by the looks on their faces. I cared, but I didn't do anything about it because I had no energy to. What they thought had SO much value to me but this time I couldn't bring myself to put the slightest of effort into my appearance. I went with them for a bit but then I started to feel sick and my body was aching, so I left. I then took eight ibuprofen and laid back in bed. And then the race that had been a steady jog when I was with people because a full sprint, a sprint that hurt every part of my soul. I wished it to go away, yet it would not. The overthinking was from one extreme to another and then... I fell asleep. Hallelujah, no more thinkin, for now. I woke up at 8 pm and watched a movie, kind of; I was still thinking about everything - him, my mom, college, Kayli, my grandma, the future, the past, my mistakes, my misunderstanding, the gospel, it just never ended and I don't believe it ever will. All of the sudden I decided I wanted to go to the theater. I never want to do anything so I knew this small and insignificant but very real spark must be acted on instantly or it would surely fade. I knew there were a lot of people who would have gone with me, but I went alone. I didn't get ready at all even though I would have liked to get ready because I knew people would see me and I cared so much about what they thought. And surely enough, people looked at me with odd expressions, it could have been my appearance or the fact that I was alone but either way it hurt. The movie was The Fault in Our Stars. It's a movie about cancer and death, I didn't even shed a tear. Numb. Getting to the numb stage is both a blessing and a burden, because feelings are so extradorinary but when you have a mind like mine they are terrifying. I then started to have deep thoughts about life and found myself at Maverick buying Laffy Taffys (#ironic) to munch on while I drove around contemplating.

Clearly, I am depressed. Don't worry I'm taking antidepressants every night and have gone to therapy many times.I found myself lying to ny last therapist because I cared what my therapist thought of me. I cared what everyone thought of me and still do. My heart has learned to be numb. I used to get terrified at scary movies and now I watch them in hope to feel something. I watch sad shows only to find that I have become heartless. I drive at dangerous speeds without a seatbelt because I want to dance with death. I refuse to kill myself because of one thing; I desire celestial glory. If only I could be murdered, drown, die in a car crash or really anyway; anything to take me away. I want to die. I think about dying everyday. Sometimes I feel a little better but it's only like a strike of lightning; it is there, and then it is gone. In the bright but quickly fading flash I hurt people because I make promises to them or let them in because I feel okay for a minute but then can't put effort into maintaining my comitments which throws me down another bottomless pit of sadness to realize I have become a person who hurts others constantly. 

Who wants to be around someone who is depressed? No one. Nobody wants to hurt me either, they understand how broken I am so they stick around until I break them too. Being around someone who is drowning in depression is not fun. I certainly don't want to be around someone who is going to bring me down. So how can I expect people to want to be around me? That my friends, is why I must fake happiness. 

I always think nobody knows the depth of my despair, but I also know that is not true. I know that their is a Christ who has suffered worse than I have; yet, has felt exactly as I have felt and I know He can fix me. But in order for Him to fix me it requires effort on my part. That's the problem, I have no energy to apply any effort. I am overwhelmed with hate for myself and cannot find an ounce of strength to pray or study or even take care of myself. I've made a promise to myself and now to you too; I will NOT kill myself until I've read the whole Book of Mormon. And I know once I've read it I won't want to kill myself, I just need to get to that point. 

I see things so honestly. I see things for how they truly are. I know what people think when they look at me or when they talk to me. I know what others think when they look at others. I know how human nature is and it can be both beautiful and terrible. People are who they are for millions of reasons and it's not entirely their fault that the world has molded them into who they are brig good and bad. I also understand that people can change with the right amount of effort on their part for the better or for the worse. I understand that people are usually unaware of their effect on others, nevertheless their opinions still have very much value, at least to me. I love people and I love their perspectives, everything about them changes me. I'm shaped by everyone and everything. I'm vulnerable. People break me and build me and support me and tear me down but only because I let them. Why do I let them? Simply because I value them more than I value myself.

Poem: Malori Ann Howell

Messy hair and barefooted while running the street

She had an imagination that couldn’t be beat

Her mom was hoping she would be an athlete

But she was so klutzy that it didn’t seem she’d have a chance to compete

As she grew her fantasies did too

She thought up stories that most would think were askew

Her mom had her playing sports that her heart would eventually pursue

And a passion for athletics started to breakthrough

She picked up a fancy for reading

A desire for writing began to appear just as a seedling

In volleyball and basketball she was now succeeding

And arts were something she was always heeding

 

The older she got the more concerned of others she became

Having everyone as her friend was something she wanted to claim

A constant thought of wondering if others thought she was lame

So she adjusted her dreams so she could be the same

 

She still had the same passions; they just were just not as sensational

Whatever she said she liked was only situational

Passiveness became her only identity that was representational

Everything depended on others so she lived completely improvisational

 

Suddenly she realized she could be herself and still have friends

The transition to speak her mind took all her commends

But being able to be open about her dreams made total amends

And now Malori Ann no longer pretends

 

New friends came because she made this transformation

Old pals also accepted the alteration

She started to become comfortable with confrontation

Confidence was now hers in any situation

 

Pursing writing and the arts was something she couldn’t wait to start

Playing sports was something that she didn’t want to part

She loved her now found life with all her heart

She is just lucky that she was so young when she chose to restart

 

She is also glad that she had this trial

Because now she can help others find their true lifestyle

Her new perspective makes everything seem worthwhile

And now she constantly wears a smile

 

Malori Ann still has her bad days

But she tries to remember to be herself always

While hard times are just opening up new pathways

​And no good comes from dwelling on the yesterdays​

 

-Malori Ann Howell

 

Words

What are words if you really don't mean them when you say them? What are words if you don't understand their value when expressing them? Words hold much more power to me than they should. People often say, "actions speak louder than words" & "talk is cheap." Those statements both stand firm in absolute truth yet I still take every word to heart and am very aware of each definition as that is what holds all the potence.

The problem with me is I mean like 96% of the things that come from my mouth and I assume others do too. I actually used to get myself into a lot of trouble because I wouldn't taste my words before I spit them out, I would use words that didn't mean what I thought I meant or didn't manipulate them in a way to make my comments less piercing or even less ridiculous. I think that is now why I try to be certain to think before I speak but honestly I still struggle with it. Which is slightly hypocritic of me because when others do likewise I take every word to heart. It's not a choice though. If I could choose not to percieve words as though they hold the value of seven suns or if I could not feel each action as though it defines an entire personality I would be quick to change.

The thing is words have power to me. I struggle with expressing them verbally because it's much harder to fine comb through them. I guess that is why I love writing so much, and reading too. So much effort and reevaluation goes into writing that the perfect words can always be found. We navigate our whole lives using words. We improve our words and I believe we can improve our lives.

Anything other than yes is no.

Anything other than stay is go.

That is how the power of words work, at least in my jumbled mind. Sometimes the words that aren't said are still understood. I'm not blind to people's sugar coated talk but even less to their absence of words. If you don't ask for me to stay I automatically assume you want me to go. It's how my brain is programmed. Why should I believe otherwise? I pick apart words like I'm playing a game of Opertation. For example, if someone were to say, "my first thought when I saw you was that you are kind of pretty." The only thing I hear is 'kind of' & it hurts. It's true though, I'm not stunning or gorgeous. I am KIND OF pretty, you did choose the correct words but I don't think you even realized. The honesty in those words sting deep into my heart. I'm sure normal people don't absorb words like I do. In that situation most people would have accepted it as a compliment and carried on, but I guess I'm just negative or view things differently. I catalogue people's words in my heart. That is just the way my mind works. I would change it if I knew how. I don't like having this perspective, but how do you change a thought pattern that you've had ...well forever?

Fairytales

Looking back at Malori at age 1-12 I can remember I had an imagination that had Dr. Suess looking like a typical old man instead of a colorful creator. Over the years this imagination of mine has slowly began to vanish as people have been quick to remind me of reality, and reality has also reminded me of reality with it's harsh trials and rude awakenings. Reality takes a toll on the imagination and the heart. Guys, reality is hard.

I used to believe that there was one person for everyone, a soul-mate. I do not believe that anymore. I believe that you can make any relationship work if both people in the relationship have their hearts inclined to God. I remember when I heard that for the first time and I was crushed. I didn't want to believe that you could love more than one person. That's not how fairytales work. But it's true, any relationship can work but only if each individual is working at it everyday. It doesn't matter how hard one tries if the other doesn't try at all. 

In movies, the girl runs away and the guy chases after her. That's not reality. If you push him away, he is going to give up because the fact of the matter is that he is hurt, he doesn't think you care, and it's easier to find something new rather than fix what's been broken. Movies create false ideas of what reality should be.

In the movie The Notebook, Alli is at a carnival and Noah see's her and asks her on a date. Alli says no and then goes for a ride on a ferris wheel. Noah then decides that he really wants to go on a date with Alli and so he jumps on the moving ferris wheel and climbs to Alli where he hangs at a wreckless height until Alli agrees to go on a date with him. Ask practically any girl you know and she'll tell you how much she loves that part of the movie and how romantic it is to her. But if it were reality, Noah would not have asked Alli again because rejection hurts and even if he had done what he did, Alli would probably have said no again and then proceeded to tell her friends what a 'stalker' or 'creep' Noah is. Reality isn't as fun and as beautiful as fairytales but we expect it to be which causes us unhappiness.

I love fairytales and dream of a fairytale of my own and that's where I went wrong in life. Fairytales are not real and that is why I am consumed in sadness - reality is brutal.