Words

What are words if you really don't mean them when you say them? What are words if you don't understand their value when expressing them? Words hold much more power to me than they should. People often say, "actions speak louder than words" & "talk is cheap." Those statements both stand firm in absolute truth yet I still take every word to heart and am very aware of each definition as that is what holds all the potence.

The problem with me is I mean like 96% of the things that come from my mouth and I assume others do too. I actually used to get myself into a lot of trouble because I wouldn't taste my words before I spit them out, I would use words that didn't mean what I thought I meant or didn't manipulate them in a way to make my comments less piercing or even less ridiculous. I think that is now why I try to be certain to think before I speak but honestly I still struggle with it. Which is slightly hypocritic of me because when others do likewise I take every word to heart. It's not a choice though. If I could choose not to percieve words as though they hold the value of seven suns or if I could not feel each action as though it defines an entire personality I would be quick to change.

The thing is words have power to me. I struggle with expressing them verbally because it's much harder to fine comb through them. I guess that is why I love writing so much, and reading too. So much effort and reevaluation goes into writing that the perfect words can always be found. We navigate our whole lives using words. We improve our words and I believe we can improve our lives.

Anything other than yes is no.

Anything other than stay is go.

That is how the power of words work, at least in my jumbled mind. Sometimes the words that aren't said are still understood. I'm not blind to people's sugar coated talk but even less to their absence of words. If you don't ask for me to stay I automatically assume you want me to go. It's how my brain is programmed. Why should I believe otherwise? I pick apart words like I'm playing a game of Opertation. For example, if someone were to say, "my first thought when I saw you was that you are kind of pretty." The only thing I hear is 'kind of' & it hurts. It's true though, I'm not stunning or gorgeous. I am KIND OF pretty, you did choose the correct words but I don't think you even realized. The honesty in those words sting deep into my heart. I'm sure normal people don't absorb words like I do. In that situation most people would have accepted it as a compliment and carried on, but I guess I'm just negative or view things differently. I catalogue people's words in my heart. That is just the way my mind works. I would change it if I knew how. I don't like having this perspective, but how do you change a thought pattern that you've had ...well forever?