Too Righteous

 

There have been many times in my life when I haven't dared to follow what I knew to be right because I was afraid of judgement. Living in Utah is hard in that way (it's actually probably hard everywhere) because if you use the response "I won't because I'm LDS" your peers will respond with "I'm LDS too and I'm doing it, don't be a goodie good, it's not THAT bad." 

Well tonight is when one the few nights that I did stand up for what I believe. If you know me at all you know that I never stand up for myself. I never state my opinions and I let people walk all over me. (Except for this blog of course, I am myself on here.) Tonight I drove to Orem from Delta with my friends. We had planned to go watch Transformers 4. When we got to the theater everyone changed their minds, they all wanted to go watch the movie Lucy. Lucy is a movie about a girl who uses 100% of her brain instead of the normal 10%, Lucy is also rated R. We almost weren't able to buy tickets because a couple of the kids I was with didn't have their ID's. But then they asked me to buy their tickets for them. Great, thanks satan, I guess that makes me accountable for their sinning of watching this movie too.

Now I REALLY didn't dare say I wasn't going to go to a rated R movie. I began justifying it in my head with thoughts like, "it's not going to be that bad of a movie!" Or "it'll show these non-LDS kids I'm with that being LDS isn't just for perfect people and that you can still have fun, it's like a strange form of missionary work." 

YES I LITERALLY THOUGHT THAT! So I bought my ticket and three others.

Just marching my way to Hell is the next thought that popped into my head. It was like a war inside my head. Yes, over something as simple as a movie. 

So after we bought our snacks and drinks we headed towards the theater. I dropped back behind the group of 10 people and slipped away unseen. Wahoo!!!! 

I then found myself sitting on a bench near the drink machine just overthinking the situation. What will everyone think? Suddenly my phone was vibrating in my lap and I ignored it. It didn't matter though, Shania walked around the corner, (she probably knew I wouldn't answer.) 

"What the heck are you doing?" She asked.

"Oh uh.. Just sitting here."

"Well come on, the movie is starting!"

"Umm.. Uhh.."

"Mal, what's wrong?"

"I just.. I don't... I don't want to watch an R rated movie."

"Ahhh Mal, you should have said something, I'm sorry!!!" 

"No, no, it's fine really! Can you just tell them I'm sick and get me the keys to the car?"

"Sure, yeah I can do that!"

GOOOOO MALORI!!!!! 

I stood up for myself!! Wahooooo!!!!! Go me!!!!! 

But now I sit in the car for two hours waiting for them to come. Nervous to hear their judgements, especially the non-LDS kids. But it was most definitely worth it, even if they believe that I'm "too righteous." In fact, that's a compliment to me, so I hope they think that. I hope I am an example to them. 

UPDATE:

My friends were all way respectful and chill about the whole situation!(:

Poem: Who to Trust

Away I have locked myself

Because I've learned I can trust no one but oneself

Alone is where I'll forever remain

Because my heart can't handle anymore pain

This wall I've built is part of me now

But you have become determined to remove it somehow

I soon realize there is no stopping you

Brick by brick you start to breakthrough

I knew you wanted to see me

But I assumed it was because you believe a woman's body is pretty

When I saw the first part of the wall you destroyed

It didn't make sense, I thought a woman's perspective was something men annoyed

Was it not sensual things that you desired

Seeing through my eyes couldn't be something you admired

Surely you meant to uncover something more risqué 

Why would a man want to see as a woman does anyway

I couldn't ask questions though because eyes can't speak 

Suddenly I realized the wall near my mouth was becoming weak

Did you mean to let my voice ring?

I thought a woman's opinion was only an irritating thing 

I can see you try to speak to me but my ears are still locked away

I don't dare speak up because I assume this is some kind of new foreplay

Suddenly I can hear your encouraging sounds

But I didn't think women were allowed to stand their grounds

I finally ask why you're toying with my mind

You say that you'll show me some men are kind

This is when I realize the sinful play is coming

I start to pray for an overall numbing

Fracturing another part of my defense

This time I'm sure you'll reveal something more intense

To my surprise my hand is exposed

I still don't understand why my virtue hasn't upon been imposed

The remaining of my broken wall falls away

As a tender touch pulls me his way

I realize now that some men are more than sexual lust

And these are the men who I've learned to trust

-Malori Ann Howell

Consider Other Shades

What exactly is this picture of? 

No, really try and figure it out with the view you have of it. What do you think? 

It's just a black and white picture, so why can't you figure it out? What's missing? What aren't you seeing? 

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GRAY. 

Same picture with shades of gray.

Did you have any idea what you were looking at? Maybe you looked at the top picture and did see a girl. Maybe you could tell that there are eyelashes in the picture. Or maybe you noticed strands of hair.  But did you see her tears, her pain, her beauty? No, you did not. Because a black and white perspective only shows you a piece of what you could potentionally see. 

This applies to life in many ways.

You cannot decide to view life one way. Every situation calls for a different perspective. Even if we were to add one shade of gray to this picture, we would not get the full effect since many shades contribute to the complete picture. Other people's perspectives can help us view life more beautifully. Don't allow yourself to be so close minded that you blind yourself from seeing the gray areas.

You may see a girl now, but you do not see her tears, her pain, her beauty.

I hope you think of this when it comes to politics, religion, or life in general. Do not decide what is wrong and what is right before looking at the situation in depth and taking other people's 'shades' into consideration. May you pray to have multiple perspectives and hope that when it comes to you, others do too. 

Unnecessary Critics

The things you say about other's defines you, not them.

Examples of teenager's posts in 2014:

"If you're 19 and married I'm judging you."

"If you listen to Christmas music before Thanksgiving I'm judging you."

"If you tweet scriptures I'm judging you."

"If you like your own selfies I'm judging you."

"If you're a girl who wears a crop top, you're a slut and I'm judging you."

If someone wants to have their boyfriend as their MCM or their girlfriend as their WCW every week, let them. If it bothers you that someone's snapchat story is 1,000 seconds long then delete them. If someone wears twice the makeup you'd ever wear don't worry about it because it shouldn't concern you. How selfish is it that we sit here and complain about other's expressing themselves when it has no effect on us. May I remind you that you do not have to see what other's have to say because the world has evolved into a place where you can unfollow, delete, block, and completely avoid a person no matter who they may be.

We sit here and tell people to be themselves, but the second they step away from what we consider correct we begin to criticize them. We should stop being so concerned with correcting others and start correcting ourselves. 

(I realize this seems contradictory because I am suggesting people to stop criticizing others while I'm criticizing the critics. Critiquing to make the world better is okay, criticizing because we're ignorant to others is not okay. My intention is to help other's view the unnecessary degrading that is happening. What I'm trying to say is there are BIGGER problems then someone posting twenty selfies a day or wearing something that went out of style years ago and we should be focused on those issues.

But again, I'm just stating my perspective through my opinions which I expect others to do whole heartedly. If you disagree with what I've said I don't expect you to keep it to yourself.)

I just ask people to change for the better & to look at life through more than one perspective. Most importantly I ask that we only say things about others if we would like them said about ourselves.

#rantover

Skipping Summer

I'm typically not one to wish away time. I truly try to enjoy every moment to the full. And even more so, I LOVE SUMMER! I love summer so much that I LOATH Fall because that means Summer is over. But this year things are different. I am literally counting the seconds until September. I just want to throw Summer out the window. So that means something HUGE is happening in September. That means that my best friend is finally coming home! 

This past year and half has felt like eternity plus eight. I don't know how so many life changing moments can happen in such a short time. Kayli is coming home to an entire new world.

Nikki has moved to California, Kimberlee had had a baby & is pregnant with another. I graduated high school and am now going to college. My mom passed away. My dad got a girlfriend and then got engaged. My extended family isn't as close since my mom died. I went in and out of a relationship. I went to five different countries! We sold all the family businesses. My dad has bought a new truck, wave runners, camper, razor, trailer, kayaks, and a massage chair. My grandma's health has declined drastically. Kayli's friends have gotten engaged, married, and pregnant! And that's not including all the things that have gone on in the U.S. & Utah to change the way things are politically. It's like a complete 180! 

She is coming back to a different place with changed people. And I'm scared for her. How is she going to take this all in at once? Coming home is hard enough for the average missionary, but I feel her circumstances make things much harder.

To be honest I think it's going to be really hard for me to have her come home too. Not because I don't want her here, definitely not that. I just have this hope in my heart that everything will change back to how it was before she left. But that's not going to happen and I wish I could convince my heart of that so I don't have to go through unnecessary heartbreak. 

 

Happiness

Things that make me happy:

-Warm rain

-Smell of Christmas

-New Clothes

-Warm nights

-A group of laughter

-Holdiays with my family

-Surprises

-Sleepovers with my friends

-Being the only car on the road

-Jamming to my favorite songs on a long drive alone

-Watching my favorite movies on a lazy day

-Finding the perfect gift for someone

-Waking up early without an alarm

-Quotes that relate to me

-Comfortable Silence

-When a book is so good you can't put it down

-Being right

-Boys that smell good

-Neighborhoods covered in Christmas lights

-Deep conversations

-Guys with nice hair 

-When people laugh at me

-When I am successful

-Children's laughter 

-Sunsets

-Green fields, grass & trees.

-Chasing butterflies

-Christmas tree glow at night

-A clean room

-Unexpected kisses

-Being outside in the summer 

-Old people

-Children

-Art

-Swinging

-Fireworks

-Music

-When people trust me

-The gospel

-Watching someone you love sleep

-My sisters

-When a song is on point with how I feel

-Holidays

-Kid's imagination

-Harry Potter

-Helping others

-Checking things off my bucketlist

-Taking pictures

Five Wishes

I had a dream last night that I was given five wishes. I could wish for ultimately ANYTHING. Nothing was impossible with these wishes. I could wish for more wishes. I could wish for the power to read minds. I could wish for never ending happiness or the cure for cancer or for a life time supply of chocolate oranges. But in my dream I didn't choose any of those things. I wished:

1. For Nikki to move back to Utah

2. To skip to September 15th so Kayli would be home

3. For my mom to come back to life cancer free

4. For my grandma to be as healthy as she was 20 years ago

And then I got to my fifth wish. I looked back on all my wishes and noticed a pattern. And that's when I realized what I wanted. And for my fifth wish I wished

5. For the second coming to happen immediately

"Families can be together forever through Heavenly Father's plan" 

I cannot wait to be with my family again, I cannot wait to be freed from these mortal bodies that I have watched slowly wither like my mother's and grandmother's have. And to be free from my self hate for my body because it doesn't meet the standard of a Barbie mold. Mostly, I cannot wait to be surrounded by my loved one's and to be in a place where happiness is a constant. 

& in the end, I only needed one wish. 

  

Prayer

After graduation it was time to find housing. I had already decided on which school I would be attending in the fall, (UVU.) But I had not figured out where I wanted to live, but I did have requirements that I was looking for in an apartment. I wanted a social environment. I wanted standards. More than anything, I wanted a private room. I NEEDED a private room. As much as I will love my roommates, I need my place. My place to write, cry, dance, decorate, study, sleep. MY PLACE. And I'm sure there isn't a roommate who wants to sleep with the light on, have to deal with my insomnia, or try to comfort me through my late night crying.

So I began my hunt for housing with my friend, Shania, who had said she'd like to live with me. We drove up and looked at housing twice. The second time we weren't agreeing on anything. She thought we were but I was just being my passive self and saying how great all her ideas were even though I wasn't really sure what I thought. I wanted to live somewhere social for my first year of college and she wanted to live somewhere cheap. Finding the two together was nearly impossible. Soon we found ourselves throwing out our most important desire, a private room. But we were only going to be paying $200 a month at this place we had found, it was INCREDIBLY nice too. So we decided it was a must.

I just wasn't sure about it though. I started thinking about the things which I had decided I couldn't live without and this place just didn't have it. So I prayed about it. I prayed to know what to do. I prayed to have the courage to tell Shania what I would decide to do. And I prayed to have options open up and be available to me.

A few days later Shania and I were sitting at my house looking at housing to double check our decision and she got a call. She came back nearly in tears to tell me that our apartment plans had fell through because the lady had recieved a better offer. I had mixed emotions. Everything got scary again. Where was I going to live? But then I remembered that I had prayed for help and I was being answered. 

The hunt for housing became our every thought! We searched and searched! Shania had found a place on KSL that was a very cheap town home. But I kind of just ignored her because it was basically the same thing we had just got out of. No private bedroom and not social. More for newlywed couples. So I began searching for something that would meet both our standards. I FOUND A PLACE!!! Old Mill Condos! I called right away but it went straight to voicemail. I called serveral other numbers but no luck. So I emailed them my number and prayed again. Meanwhile, Shania was determined to find someplace in the next hour. So we continued looking. 

Several prayers and one hour later I recieved a call, "Hi, I recieved an e-mail to call this number if there happened to be an available apartment at Old Mill Condo's. We do have a few available. 4 private rooms and fully furnished. Is this Malori?"

"Yes! This is Malori! I was just wondering if my friends and I could come take a look at an available apartment." 

"Does tomorrow at 1 work?"

"Perfect."

I called Shania, (who had left my house) and then Lucia, (who also had mentioned living with me,) and told them I was going to check out the apartment and asked if they wanted to join me. Roadtrip to Orem in less than 24 hours with my future roomies.

We headed up with prayers in our heart. We got there early and so we checked out another apartment but it gave us the he-be-ge-bees. Then we went to Old Mill and met a lovely lady named Jen who showed us through three apartments. 

• Four private bedrooms

• Four private toilets

• Two shared showers/jacuzzi 

• Deck to pool

• 2 outdoor pools

• 1 indoor pool

• Indoor sand volleyball court

• Next to several other apartment buildings

The first apartment she showed us was enough to get us excited about housing again but we wanted to see the others just in case. We walked into the second apartment, room 211, to find that it is being completely remodeled. New carpet, appliances, and paint! Then we find out that each private toliet is getting it's own private shower. But just in this apartment, not any of the others, because each apartment is privately owned. WE HAD TO HAVE THIS APARTMENT! Then the lady giving us tours said that if we signed today we would receive $50 off first months rent! 

PRAYER IS REAL. PRAYER IS THE ANSWER. GOD WILL HELP YOU IF YOU WILL JUST TAKE THE TIME TO ASK.

•R.O.O.M•2.1.1•

Moments of Realization

My friends asked me where we should watch the fireworks, I hesitated to answer. I had already decided where I was going to watch the fireworks and who I was watching them with, and it wasn't going to be with my friends. It was going to be with my mom. So I told them I already had plans to watch the fireworks and before they could ask what my plans were, colors sprinkled in the sky and sizzled away. I panicked because I wasn't in "our" spot! I sprinted through the parking lot and jumped in my car and drove to the traditional spot. Luckily the firework had been a false alarm. It was just someone launching off their own illegal fireworks. I didn't mind being early though. I took the opportunity to lay down a blanket, roll down the car window, and play the music from my mom's slideshow that was played at her funeral. I kicked my shoes off so it felt more like it used to when I had come with my mom each year. Although, my hair wasn't wet & tangled from just leaving the Rez, I was still in our spot and barefooted and that was enough to satisfy. 

Sitting there listening to the music play through the window, I thought back to all my memories with my mom: the things I would have changed and all the things I would never let myself forget. I remembered my mom talking about how much money was wasted on the firework show each year, ironically she'd mention her love for the grand finale, which was the most costly part. I thought about the time that we went to the park and my mom pushed me in the swing and just when I'd get to the highest point, a firework would light up in the sky. I was sure that I was close enough to touch the sparks of color.

As I sat on the hard ground my mind began to drift. I began to think of  people's spiritual stories of feeling a loved one near although they had passed on. Stories about how they knew for certain their loved one was in the room and they could without a doubt feel their love surrounding them. This passed year I have searched and searched daily for a feeling like that. I was heartbroken that it wasn't happening to me and never had happened to me and maybe never would! Sitting there alone, visualizing my mom sitting next to me, and trying to feel her presence something hit me; I wasn't going to experience something momentus like others had, at least not with my mom. Not because it's not possible, but because that isn't who my mom is. When my mom was alive she didn't express her love miraculously and it dawned on me that she isn't going to now. That's when I felt it. That little tiny heart warming, tear jerking feeling that my mom was there with me. We were watching the fireworks together again.

I began to question myself. Is this just in my head, am I just creating this in my mind. And then I decided I didn't care. For some reason I had decided to go watch the fireworks alone. For some reason these thoughts and feelings were consuming me, and it didn't matter why, because I was in complete bliss, even as the tears dripped into my lap. 

Then it was the grand finale. Throughout the whole show I was looking for purple and blue because to me those are my mom's colors. And I kid you not, the grand finale was solid purple's and blue's. It was like a final confirmation that she was there with me and had enjoyed it as much as I had. I shared this Fourth of July with my mom and you may think that's crazy, but it doesn't matter because 'I Believe.'