Moments of Realization

My friends asked me where we should watch the fireworks, I hesitated to answer. I had already decided where I was going to watch the fireworks and who I was watching them with, and it wasn't going to be with my friends. It was going to be with my mom. So I told them I already had plans to watch the fireworks and before they could ask what my plans were, colors sprinkled in the sky and sizzled away. I panicked because I wasn't in "our" spot! I sprinted through the parking lot and jumped in my car and drove to the traditional spot. Luckily the firework had been a false alarm. It was just someone launching off their own illegal fireworks. I didn't mind being early though. I took the opportunity to lay down a blanket, roll down the car window, and play the music from my mom's slideshow that was played at her funeral. I kicked my shoes off so it felt more like it used to when I had come with my mom each year. Although, my hair wasn't wet & tangled from just leaving the Rez, I was still in our spot and barefooted and that was enough to satisfy. 

Sitting there listening to the music play through the window, I thought back to all my memories with my mom: the things I would have changed and all the things I would never let myself forget. I remembered my mom talking about how much money was wasted on the firework show each year, ironically she'd mention her love for the grand finale, which was the most costly part. I thought about the time that we went to the park and my mom pushed me in the swing and just when I'd get to the highest point, a firework would light up in the sky. I was sure that I was close enough to touch the sparks of color.

As I sat on the hard ground my mind began to drift. I began to think of  people's spiritual stories of feeling a loved one near although they had passed on. Stories about how they knew for certain their loved one was in the room and they could without a doubt feel their love surrounding them. This passed year I have searched and searched daily for a feeling like that. I was heartbroken that it wasn't happening to me and never had happened to me and maybe never would! Sitting there alone, visualizing my mom sitting next to me, and trying to feel her presence something hit me; I wasn't going to experience something momentus like others had, at least not with my mom. Not because it's not possible, but because that isn't who my mom is. When my mom was alive she didn't express her love miraculously and it dawned on me that she isn't going to now. That's when I felt it. That little tiny heart warming, tear jerking feeling that my mom was there with me. We were watching the fireworks together again.

I began to question myself. Is this just in my head, am I just creating this in my mind. And then I decided I didn't care. For some reason I had decided to go watch the fireworks alone. For some reason these thoughts and feelings were consuming me, and it didn't matter why, because I was in complete bliss, even as the tears dripped into my lap. 

Then it was the grand finale. Throughout the whole show I was looking for purple and blue because to me those are my mom's colors. And I kid you not, the grand finale was solid purple's and blue's. It was like a final confirmation that she was there with me and had enjoyed it as much as I had. I shared this Fourth of July with my mom and you may think that's crazy, but it doesn't matter because 'I Believe.'