I'm blue. 'Aba dee aba die aba dee aba die'

I woke up at 1 p.m. which was not technically sleeping in, at least not for me. I laid in bed on my phone for a while and then read for an hour or so because I missed reading a lot and I didn't really know why I hadn't read since, well I don't know the last time.

My dad came home and talked to me for a while but I don't really remember what he said. Some friends asked if I wanted to go to the res, I said yes but I planned on flaking out because I didn't want to go to the res or ... anywhere. I wanted to lay there. Actually, no I didn't. I wanted to do nothing. Laying there was something and I had no energy to do something. Yes, laying there took energy, so much energy, energy I did not have. My mind was running a marathon and no matter how badly I willed it to stop running, it continued on and on. I wanted to be unaware, asleep ... but permanently because temporarily just wasn't enough anymore. I had already slept for sooo long though. I couldn't sleep anymore, as badly as I wanted to, my body wouldn't allow it. 

Soon there were several friends on my door step wanting to do something fun which I'm usually pretty good at putting on a show, so I really do seem like a good candidate to go to when someone wants to have fun. I knew that I had faked my happiness for so long that it was starting to become too hard. But I motivated myself to answer the door when I heard them knock. I could tell I looked like death frozen and then reheated by the looks on their faces. I cared, but I didn't do anything about it because I had no energy to. What they thought had SO much value to me but this time I couldn't bring myself to put the slightest of effort into my appearance. I went with them for a bit but then I started to feel sick and my body was aching, so I left. I then took eight ibuprofen and laid back in bed. And then the race that had been a steady jog when I was with people because a full sprint, a sprint that hurt every part of my soul. I wished it to go away, yet it would not. The overthinking was from one extreme to another and then... I fell asleep. Hallelujah, no more thinkin, for now. I woke up at 8 pm and watched a movie, kind of; I was still thinking about everything - him, my mom, college, Kayli, my grandma, the future, the past, my mistakes, my misunderstanding, the gospel, it just never ended and I don't believe it ever will. All of the sudden I decided I wanted to go to the theater. I never want to do anything so I knew this small and insignificant but very real spark must be acted on instantly or it would surely fade. I knew there were a lot of people who would have gone with me, but I went alone. I didn't get ready at all even though I would have liked to get ready because I knew people would see me and I cared so much about what they thought. And surely enough, people looked at me with odd expressions, it could have been my appearance or the fact that I was alone but either way it hurt. The movie was The Fault in Our Stars. It's a movie about cancer and death, I didn't even shed a tear. Numb. Getting to the numb stage is both a blessing and a burden, because feelings are so extradorinary but when you have a mind like mine they are terrifying. I then started to have deep thoughts about life and found myself at Maverick buying Laffy Taffys (#ironic) to munch on while I drove around contemplating.

Clearly, I am depressed. Don't worry I'm taking antidepressants every night and have gone to therapy many times.I found myself lying to ny last therapist because I cared what my therapist thought of me. I cared what everyone thought of me and still do. My heart has learned to be numb. I used to get terrified at scary movies and now I watch them in hope to feel something. I watch sad shows only to find that I have become heartless. I drive at dangerous speeds without a seatbelt because I want to dance with death. I refuse to kill myself because of one thing; I desire celestial glory. If only I could be murdered, drown, die in a car crash or really anyway; anything to take me away. I want to die. I think about dying everyday. Sometimes I feel a little better but it's only like a strike of lightning; it is there, and then it is gone. In the bright but quickly fading flash I hurt people because I make promises to them or let them in because I feel okay for a minute but then can't put effort into maintaining my comitments which throws me down another bottomless pit of sadness to realize I have become a person who hurts others constantly. 

Who wants to be around someone who is depressed? No one. Nobody wants to hurt me either, they understand how broken I am so they stick around until I break them too. Being around someone who is drowning in depression is not fun. I certainly don't want to be around someone who is going to bring me down. So how can I expect people to want to be around me? That my friends, is why I must fake happiness. 

I always think nobody knows the depth of my despair, but I also know that is not true. I know that their is a Christ who has suffered worse than I have; yet, has felt exactly as I have felt and I know He can fix me. But in order for Him to fix me it requires effort on my part. That's the problem, I have no energy to apply any effort. I am overwhelmed with hate for myself and cannot find an ounce of strength to pray or study or even take care of myself. I've made a promise to myself and now to you too; I will NOT kill myself until I've read the whole Book of Mormon. And I know once I've read it I won't want to kill myself, I just need to get to that point. 

I see things so honestly. I see things for how they truly are. I know what people think when they look at me or when they talk to me. I know what others think when they look at others. I know how human nature is and it can be both beautiful and terrible. People are who they are for millions of reasons and it's not entirely their fault that the world has molded them into who they are brig good and bad. I also understand that people can change with the right amount of effort on their part for the better or for the worse. I understand that people are usually unaware of their effect on others, nevertheless their opinions still have very much value, at least to me. I love people and I love their perspectives, everything about them changes me. I'm shaped by everyone and everything. I'm vulnerable. People break me and build me and support me and tear me down but only because I let them. Why do I let them? Simply because I value them more than I value myself.

Poem: Malori Ann Howell

Messy hair and barefooted while running the street

She had an imagination that couldn’t be beat

Her mom was hoping she would be an athlete

But she was so klutzy that it didn’t seem she’d have a chance to compete

As she grew her fantasies did too

She thought up stories that most would think were askew

Her mom had her playing sports that her heart would eventually pursue

And a passion for athletics started to breakthrough

She picked up a fancy for reading

A desire for writing began to appear just as a seedling

In volleyball and basketball she was now succeeding

And arts were something she was always heeding

 

The older she got the more concerned of others she became

Having everyone as her friend was something she wanted to claim

A constant thought of wondering if others thought she was lame

So she adjusted her dreams so she could be the same

 

She still had the same passions; they just were just not as sensational

Whatever she said she liked was only situational

Passiveness became her only identity that was representational

Everything depended on others so she lived completely improvisational

 

Suddenly she realized she could be herself and still have friends

The transition to speak her mind took all her commends

But being able to be open about her dreams made total amends

And now Malori Ann no longer pretends

 

New friends came because she made this transformation

Old pals also accepted the alteration

She started to become comfortable with confrontation

Confidence was now hers in any situation

 

Pursing writing and the arts was something she couldn’t wait to start

Playing sports was something that she didn’t want to part

She loved her now found life with all her heart

She is just lucky that she was so young when she chose to restart

 

She is also glad that she had this trial

Because now she can help others find their true lifestyle

Her new perspective makes everything seem worthwhile

And now she constantly wears a smile

 

Malori Ann still has her bad days

But she tries to remember to be herself always

While hard times are just opening up new pathways

​And no good comes from dwelling on the yesterdays​

 

-Malori Ann Howell

 

Words

What are words if you really don't mean them when you say them? What are words if you don't understand their value when expressing them? Words hold much more power to me than they should. People often say, "actions speak louder than words" & "talk is cheap." Those statements both stand firm in absolute truth yet I still take every word to heart and am very aware of each definition as that is what holds all the potence.

The problem with me is I mean like 96% of the things that come from my mouth and I assume others do too. I actually used to get myself into a lot of trouble because I wouldn't taste my words before I spit them out, I would use words that didn't mean what I thought I meant or didn't manipulate them in a way to make my comments less piercing or even less ridiculous. I think that is now why I try to be certain to think before I speak but honestly I still struggle with it. Which is slightly hypocritic of me because when others do likewise I take every word to heart. It's not a choice though. If I could choose not to percieve words as though they hold the value of seven suns or if I could not feel each action as though it defines an entire personality I would be quick to change.

The thing is words have power to me. I struggle with expressing them verbally because it's much harder to fine comb through them. I guess that is why I love writing so much, and reading too. So much effort and reevaluation goes into writing that the perfect words can always be found. We navigate our whole lives using words. We improve our words and I believe we can improve our lives.

Anything other than yes is no.

Anything other than stay is go.

That is how the power of words work, at least in my jumbled mind. Sometimes the words that aren't said are still understood. I'm not blind to people's sugar coated talk but even less to their absence of words. If you don't ask for me to stay I automatically assume you want me to go. It's how my brain is programmed. Why should I believe otherwise? I pick apart words like I'm playing a game of Opertation. For example, if someone were to say, "my first thought when I saw you was that you are kind of pretty." The only thing I hear is 'kind of' & it hurts. It's true though, I'm not stunning or gorgeous. I am KIND OF pretty, you did choose the correct words but I don't think you even realized. The honesty in those words sting deep into my heart. I'm sure normal people don't absorb words like I do. In that situation most people would have accepted it as a compliment and carried on, but I guess I'm just negative or view things differently. I catalogue people's words in my heart. That is just the way my mind works. I would change it if I knew how. I don't like having this perspective, but how do you change a thought pattern that you've had ...well forever?

Fairytales

Looking back at Malori at age 1-12 I can remember I had an imagination that had Dr. Suess looking like a typical old man instead of a colorful creator. Over the years this imagination of mine has slowly began to vanish as people have been quick to remind me of reality, and reality has also reminded me of reality with it's harsh trials and rude awakenings. Reality takes a toll on the imagination and the heart. Guys, reality is hard.

I used to believe that there was one person for everyone, a soul-mate. I do not believe that anymore. I believe that you can make any relationship work if both people in the relationship have their hearts inclined to God. I remember when I heard that for the first time and I was crushed. I didn't want to believe that you could love more than one person. That's not how fairytales work. But it's true, any relationship can work but only if each individual is working at it everyday. It doesn't matter how hard one tries if the other doesn't try at all. 

In movies, the girl runs away and the guy chases after her. That's not reality. If you push him away, he is going to give up because the fact of the matter is that he is hurt, he doesn't think you care, and it's easier to find something new rather than fix what's been broken. Movies create false ideas of what reality should be.

In the movie The Notebook, Alli is at a carnival and Noah see's her and asks her on a date. Alli says no and then goes for a ride on a ferris wheel. Noah then decides that he really wants to go on a date with Alli and so he jumps on the moving ferris wheel and climbs to Alli where he hangs at a wreckless height until Alli agrees to go on a date with him. Ask practically any girl you know and she'll tell you how much she loves that part of the movie and how romantic it is to her. But if it were reality, Noah would not have asked Alli again because rejection hurts and even if he had done what he did, Alli would probably have said no again and then proceeded to tell her friends what a 'stalker' or 'creep' Noah is. Reality isn't as fun and as beautiful as fairytales but we expect it to be which causes us unhappiness.

I love fairytales and dream of a fairytale of my own and that's where I went wrong in life. Fairytales are not real and that is why I am consumed in sadness - reality is brutal.

Too Righteous

 

There have been many times in my life when I haven't dared to follow what I knew to be right because I was afraid of judgement. Living in Utah is hard in that way (it's actually probably hard everywhere) because if you use the response "I won't because I'm LDS" your peers will respond with "I'm LDS too and I'm doing it, don't be a goodie good, it's not THAT bad." 

Well tonight is when one the few nights that I did stand up for what I believe. If you know me at all you know that I never stand up for myself. I never state my opinions and I let people walk all over me. (Except for this blog of course, I am myself on here.) Tonight I drove to Orem from Delta with my friends. We had planned to go watch Transformers 4. When we got to the theater everyone changed their minds, they all wanted to go watch the movie Lucy. Lucy is a movie about a girl who uses 100% of her brain instead of the normal 10%, Lucy is also rated R. We almost weren't able to buy tickets because a couple of the kids I was with didn't have their ID's. But then they asked me to buy their tickets for them. Great, thanks satan, I guess that makes me accountable for their sinning of watching this movie too.

Now I REALLY didn't dare say I wasn't going to go to a rated R movie. I began justifying it in my head with thoughts like, "it's not going to be that bad of a movie!" Or "it'll show these non-LDS kids I'm with that being LDS isn't just for perfect people and that you can still have fun, it's like a strange form of missionary work." 

YES I LITERALLY THOUGHT THAT! So I bought my ticket and three others.

Just marching my way to Hell is the next thought that popped into my head. It was like a war inside my head. Yes, over something as simple as a movie. 

So after we bought our snacks and drinks we headed towards the theater. I dropped back behind the group of 10 people and slipped away unseen. Wahoo!!!! 

I then found myself sitting on a bench near the drink machine just overthinking the situation. What will everyone think? Suddenly my phone was vibrating in my lap and I ignored it. It didn't matter though, Shania walked around the corner, (she probably knew I wouldn't answer.) 

"What the heck are you doing?" She asked.

"Oh uh.. Just sitting here."

"Well come on, the movie is starting!"

"Umm.. Uhh.."

"Mal, what's wrong?"

"I just.. I don't... I don't want to watch an R rated movie."

"Ahhh Mal, you should have said something, I'm sorry!!!" 

"No, no, it's fine really! Can you just tell them I'm sick and get me the keys to the car?"

"Sure, yeah I can do that!"

GOOOOO MALORI!!!!! 

I stood up for myself!! Wahooooo!!!!! Go me!!!!! 

But now I sit in the car for two hours waiting for them to come. Nervous to hear their judgements, especially the non-LDS kids. But it was most definitely worth it, even if they believe that I'm "too righteous." In fact, that's a compliment to me, so I hope they think that. I hope I am an example to them. 

UPDATE:

My friends were all way respectful and chill about the whole situation!(:

Poem: Who to Trust

Away I have locked myself

Because I've learned I can trust no one but oneself

Alone is where I'll forever remain

Because my heart can't handle anymore pain

This wall I've built is part of me now

But you have become determined to remove it somehow

I soon realize there is no stopping you

Brick by brick you start to breakthrough

I knew you wanted to see me

But I assumed it was because you believe a woman's body is pretty

When I saw the first part of the wall you destroyed

It didn't make sense, I thought a woman's perspective was something men annoyed

Was it not sensual things that you desired

Seeing through my eyes couldn't be something you admired

Surely you meant to uncover something more risqué 

Why would a man want to see as a woman does anyway

I couldn't ask questions though because eyes can't speak 

Suddenly I realized the wall near my mouth was becoming weak

Did you mean to let my voice ring?

I thought a woman's opinion was only an irritating thing 

I can see you try to speak to me but my ears are still locked away

I don't dare speak up because I assume this is some kind of new foreplay

Suddenly I can hear your encouraging sounds

But I didn't think women were allowed to stand their grounds

I finally ask why you're toying with my mind

You say that you'll show me some men are kind

This is when I realize the sinful play is coming

I start to pray for an overall numbing

Fracturing another part of my defense

This time I'm sure you'll reveal something more intense

To my surprise my hand is exposed

I still don't understand why my virtue hasn't upon been imposed

The remaining of my broken wall falls away

As a tender touch pulls me his way

I realize now that some men are more than sexual lust

And these are the men who I've learned to trust

-Malori Ann Howell

Consider Other Shades

What exactly is this picture of? 

No, really try and figure it out with the view you have of it. What do you think? 

It's just a black and white picture, so why can't you figure it out? What's missing? What aren't you seeing? 

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•

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GRAY. 

Same picture with shades of gray.

Did you have any idea what you were looking at? Maybe you looked at the top picture and did see a girl. Maybe you could tell that there are eyelashes in the picture. Or maybe you noticed strands of hair.  But did you see her tears, her pain, her beauty? No, you did not. Because a black and white perspective only shows you a piece of what you could potentionally see. 

This applies to life in many ways.

You cannot decide to view life one way. Every situation calls for a different perspective. Even if we were to add one shade of gray to this picture, we would not get the full effect since many shades contribute to the complete picture. Other people's perspectives can help us view life more beautifully. Don't allow yourself to be so close minded that you blind yourself from seeing the gray areas.

You may see a girl now, but you do not see her tears, her pain, her beauty.

I hope you think of this when it comes to politics, religion, or life in general. Do not decide what is wrong and what is right before looking at the situation in depth and taking other people's 'shades' into consideration. May you pray to have multiple perspectives and hope that when it comes to you, others do too. 

Unnecessary Critics

The things you say about other's defines you, not them.

Examples of teenager's posts in 2014:

"If you're 19 and married I'm judging you."

"If you listen to Christmas music before Thanksgiving I'm judging you."

"If you tweet scriptures I'm judging you."

"If you like your own selfies I'm judging you."

"If you're a girl who wears a crop top, you're a slut and I'm judging you."

If someone wants to have their boyfriend as their MCM or their girlfriend as their WCW every week, let them. If it bothers you that someone's snapchat story is 1,000 seconds long then delete them. If someone wears twice the makeup you'd ever wear don't worry about it because it shouldn't concern you. How selfish is it that we sit here and complain about other's expressing themselves when it has no effect on us. May I remind you that you do not have to see what other's have to say because the world has evolved into a place where you can unfollow, delete, block, and completely avoid a person no matter who they may be.

We sit here and tell people to be themselves, but the second they step away from what we consider correct we begin to criticize them. We should stop being so concerned with correcting others and start correcting ourselves. 

(I realize this seems contradictory because I am suggesting people to stop criticizing others while I'm criticizing the critics. Critiquing to make the world better is okay, criticizing because we're ignorant to others is not okay. My intention is to help other's view the unnecessary degrading that is happening. What I'm trying to say is there are BIGGER problems then someone posting twenty selfies a day or wearing something that went out of style years ago and we should be focused on those issues.

But again, I'm just stating my perspective through my opinions which I expect others to do whole heartedly. If you disagree with what I've said I don't expect you to keep it to yourself.)

I just ask people to change for the better & to look at life through more than one perspective. Most importantly I ask that we only say things about others if we would like them said about ourselves.

#rantover

Skipping Summer

I'm typically not one to wish away time. I truly try to enjoy every moment to the full. And even more so, I LOVE SUMMER! I love summer so much that I LOATH Fall because that means Summer is over. But this year things are different. I am literally counting the seconds until September. I just want to throw Summer out the window. So that means something HUGE is happening in September. That means that my best friend is finally coming home! 

This past year and half has felt like eternity plus eight. I don't know how so many life changing moments can happen in such a short time. Kayli is coming home to an entire new world.

Nikki has moved to California, Kimberlee had had a baby & is pregnant with another. I graduated high school and am now going to college. My mom passed away. My dad got a girlfriend and then got engaged. My extended family isn't as close since my mom died. I went in and out of a relationship. I went to five different countries! We sold all the family businesses. My dad has bought a new truck, wave runners, camper, razor, trailer, kayaks, and a massage chair. My grandma's health has declined drastically. Kayli's friends have gotten engaged, married, and pregnant! And that's not including all the things that have gone on in the U.S. & Utah to change the way things are politically. It's like a complete 180! 

She is coming back to a different place with changed people. And I'm scared for her. How is she going to take this all in at once? Coming home is hard enough for the average missionary, but I feel her circumstances make things much harder.

To be honest I think it's going to be really hard for me to have her come home too. Not because I don't want her here, definitely not that. I just have this hope in my heart that everything will change back to how it was before she left. But that's not going to happen and I wish I could convince my heart of that so I don't have to go through unnecessary heartbreak. 

 

Happiness

Things that make me happy:

-Warm rain

-Smell of Christmas

-New Clothes

-Warm nights

-A group of laughter

-Holdiays with my family

-Surprises

-Sleepovers with my friends

-Being the only car on the road

-Jamming to my favorite songs on a long drive alone

-Watching my favorite movies on a lazy day

-Finding the perfect gift for someone

-Waking up early without an alarm

-Quotes that relate to me

-Comfortable Silence

-When a book is so good you can't put it down

-Being right

-Boys that smell good

-Neighborhoods covered in Christmas lights

-Deep conversations

-Guys with nice hair 

-When people laugh at me

-When I am successful

-Children's laughter 

-Sunsets

-Green fields, grass & trees.

-Chasing butterflies

-Christmas tree glow at night

-A clean room

-Unexpected kisses

-Being outside in the summer 

-Old people

-Children

-Art

-Swinging

-Fireworks

-Music

-When people trust me

-The gospel

-Watching someone you love sleep

-My sisters

-When a song is on point with how I feel

-Holidays

-Kid's imagination

-Harry Potter

-Helping others

-Checking things off my bucketlist

-Taking pictures

Five Wishes

I had a dream last night that I was given five wishes. I could wish for ultimately ANYTHING. Nothing was impossible with these wishes. I could wish for more wishes. I could wish for the power to read minds. I could wish for never ending happiness or the cure for cancer or for a life time supply of chocolate oranges. But in my dream I didn't choose any of those things. I wished:

1. For Nikki to move back to Utah

2. To skip to September 15th so Kayli would be home

3. For my mom to come back to life cancer free

4. For my grandma to be as healthy as she was 20 years ago

And then I got to my fifth wish. I looked back on all my wishes and noticed a pattern. And that's when I realized what I wanted. And for my fifth wish I wished

5. For the second coming to happen immediately

"Families can be together forever through Heavenly Father's plan" 

I cannot wait to be with my family again, I cannot wait to be freed from these mortal bodies that I have watched slowly wither like my mother's and grandmother's have. And to be free from my self hate for my body because it doesn't meet the standard of a Barbie mold. Mostly, I cannot wait to be surrounded by my loved one's and to be in a place where happiness is a constant. 

& in the end, I only needed one wish. 

  

Prayer

After graduation it was time to find housing. I had already decided on which school I would be attending in the fall, (UVU.) But I had not figured out where I wanted to live, but I did have requirements that I was looking for in an apartment. I wanted a social environment. I wanted standards. More than anything, I wanted a private room. I NEEDED a private room. As much as I will love my roommates, I need my place. My place to write, cry, dance, decorate, study, sleep. MY PLACE. And I'm sure there isn't a roommate who wants to sleep with the light on, have to deal with my insomnia, or try to comfort me through my late night crying.

So I began my hunt for housing with my friend, Shania, who had said she'd like to live with me. We drove up and looked at housing twice. The second time we weren't agreeing on anything. She thought we were but I was just being my passive self and saying how great all her ideas were even though I wasn't really sure what I thought. I wanted to live somewhere social for my first year of college and she wanted to live somewhere cheap. Finding the two together was nearly impossible. Soon we found ourselves throwing out our most important desire, a private room. But we were only going to be paying $200 a month at this place we had found, it was INCREDIBLY nice too. So we decided it was a must.

I just wasn't sure about it though. I started thinking about the things which I had decided I couldn't live without and this place just didn't have it. So I prayed about it. I prayed to know what to do. I prayed to have the courage to tell Shania what I would decide to do. And I prayed to have options open up and be available to me.

A few days later Shania and I were sitting at my house looking at housing to double check our decision and she got a call. She came back nearly in tears to tell me that our apartment plans had fell through because the lady had recieved a better offer. I had mixed emotions. Everything got scary again. Where was I going to live? But then I remembered that I had prayed for help and I was being answered. 

The hunt for housing became our every thought! We searched and searched! Shania had found a place on KSL that was a very cheap town home. But I kind of just ignored her because it was basically the same thing we had just got out of. No private bedroom and not social. More for newlywed couples. So I began searching for something that would meet both our standards. I FOUND A PLACE!!! Old Mill Condos! I called right away but it went straight to voicemail. I called serveral other numbers but no luck. So I emailed them my number and prayed again. Meanwhile, Shania was determined to find someplace in the next hour. So we continued looking. 

Several prayers and one hour later I recieved a call, "Hi, I recieved an e-mail to call this number if there happened to be an available apartment at Old Mill Condo's. We do have a few available. 4 private rooms and fully furnished. Is this Malori?"

"Yes! This is Malori! I was just wondering if my friends and I could come take a look at an available apartment." 

"Does tomorrow at 1 work?"

"Perfect."

I called Shania, (who had left my house) and then Lucia, (who also had mentioned living with me,) and told them I was going to check out the apartment and asked if they wanted to join me. Roadtrip to Orem in less than 24 hours with my future roomies.

We headed up with prayers in our heart. We got there early and so we checked out another apartment but it gave us the he-be-ge-bees. Then we went to Old Mill and met a lovely lady named Jen who showed us through three apartments. 

• Four private bedrooms

• Four private toilets

• Two shared showers/jacuzzi 

• Deck to pool

• 2 outdoor pools

• 1 indoor pool

• Indoor sand volleyball court

• Next to several other apartment buildings

The first apartment she showed us was enough to get us excited about housing again but we wanted to see the others just in case. We walked into the second apartment, room 211, to find that it is being completely remodeled. New carpet, appliances, and paint! Then we find out that each private toliet is getting it's own private shower. But just in this apartment, not any of the others, because each apartment is privately owned. WE HAD TO HAVE THIS APARTMENT! Then the lady giving us tours said that if we signed today we would receive $50 off first months rent! 

PRAYER IS REAL. PRAYER IS THE ANSWER. GOD WILL HELP YOU IF YOU WILL JUST TAKE THE TIME TO ASK.

•R.O.O.M•2.1.1•

Moments of Realization

My friends asked me where we should watch the fireworks, I hesitated to answer. I had already decided where I was going to watch the fireworks and who I was watching them with, and it wasn't going to be with my friends. It was going to be with my mom. So I told them I already had plans to watch the fireworks and before they could ask what my plans were, colors sprinkled in the sky and sizzled away. I panicked because I wasn't in "our" spot! I sprinted through the parking lot and jumped in my car and drove to the traditional spot. Luckily the firework had been a false alarm. It was just someone launching off their own illegal fireworks. I didn't mind being early though. I took the opportunity to lay down a blanket, roll down the car window, and play the music from my mom's slideshow that was played at her funeral. I kicked my shoes off so it felt more like it used to when I had come with my mom each year. Although, my hair wasn't wet & tangled from just leaving the Rez, I was still in our spot and barefooted and that was enough to satisfy. 

Sitting there listening to the music play through the window, I thought back to all my memories with my mom: the things I would have changed and all the things I would never let myself forget. I remembered my mom talking about how much money was wasted on the firework show each year, ironically she'd mention her love for the grand finale, which was the most costly part. I thought about the time that we went to the park and my mom pushed me in the swing and just when I'd get to the highest point, a firework would light up in the sky. I was sure that I was close enough to touch the sparks of color.

As I sat on the hard ground my mind began to drift. I began to think of  people's spiritual stories of feeling a loved one near although they had passed on. Stories about how they knew for certain their loved one was in the room and they could without a doubt feel their love surrounding them. This passed year I have searched and searched daily for a feeling like that. I was heartbroken that it wasn't happening to me and never had happened to me and maybe never would! Sitting there alone, visualizing my mom sitting next to me, and trying to feel her presence something hit me; I wasn't going to experience something momentus like others had, at least not with my mom. Not because it's not possible, but because that isn't who my mom is. When my mom was alive she didn't express her love miraculously and it dawned on me that she isn't going to now. That's when I felt it. That little tiny heart warming, tear jerking feeling that my mom was there with me. We were watching the fireworks together again.

I began to question myself. Is this just in my head, am I just creating this in my mind. And then I decided I didn't care. For some reason I had decided to go watch the fireworks alone. For some reason these thoughts and feelings were consuming me, and it didn't matter why, because I was in complete bliss, even as the tears dripped into my lap. 

Then it was the grand finale. Throughout the whole show I was looking for purple and blue because to me those are my mom's colors. And I kid you not, the grand finale was solid purple's and blue's. It was like a final confirmation that she was there with me and had enjoyed it as much as I had. I shared this Fourth of July with my mom and you may think that's crazy, but it doesn't matter because 'I Believe.' 

Learning How to See

Scrolling through my twitter feed deleting things I've 'tweeted' or 'retweeted' because I've decided that I don't want people to know that's how I truly feel, because I feel dumb that I got hardly any favorites, or because I feel like maybe I 'tweet' too much. Then I realized that I need to quit being ashamed of being me. I shouldn't feel like suppressing or censoring my emotions & thoughts because people may judge me, think different of me, or not agree with me. I have great things to say and I have feelings that need to be shared. Why on earth should I be apart of anything that causes me to hestiate when I express myself? It breaks my heart that anyone may ever feel like they can't open up because the ignorance of others, yet here I am victim of something I would demand others to fight. 

My blog is definitely a place where I am myself, probably because nobody reads it therefore nobody is judging me. Isn't that sad? I feel confident to express myself to nobody. Clearly, something must change. I can't change how others perceive me, but I can change how I perceive myself. I've decided to love myself and even better, I've decided to love my Heavenly Father so much that there is no way I cannot love myself because what He desires is now what I desire. And I know He desires for me to value myself, to feel happy in my own mind, and be nothing but confident as I experience this world that He so graciously allowed me to be apart of. 

I want to view myself the way my Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ view me. I want to learn to see my individual worth. 

Corrupt Society

Do you look in the mirror and love what you see? If the answer is no, know you are not alone. Society has created insecurities in people through the use of media. Photoshop, starvation, and steroids have consumed people, mainly because media has encouraged this behavior through images by saying it is “beautiful or manly.” People magazine researched 1,000 women and found that “93 percent have tried to lose weight, 34 percent have had or would consider having cosmetic surgery, and 34 percent said they would be willing to try a diet even if it posed at least a slight health risk (People Mag). This statistic leaves eight percent of women who feel confident about themselves; however, statistics on male image and gender stereotypes are incredibly sparse. Believe it or not, social media produces harmful and unattainable gender stereotypes for men as well, and the harmful effects of social media towards both genders must stop if we are to heal our societies.

Women are very misunderstood. The impossible beauty standard chants, "Don't be too thin but definitely not too thick. Be toned and tan but don't have a six pack or look like over-cooked bacon. Be innocent and sexy. Make sure you act like a lady but are still fun, playful, and mischievous when needed, etc." Luckily, there have been recent campaigns to bring societal awareness of the media’s influence on woman. People are becoming aware of this problem more and more all the time and a lot is being done to help each woman become more comfortable with herself as a unique and beautiful individual. The problem remains that no one is campaigning against harmful male gender stereotypes. Men are expected to be respectful, to have manners, and to be sensitive to a woman's feelings; ironically, a single sign of sensitivity causes people to question a man's sexuality. Most women don't say, "I will not date a man who doesn't have an attractive body," but if you look at most girls social media and find their "man crush Mondays" you'll see images of partially nude men with muscles on muscles. That is the standard which women are setting, just as men have set for women through the same process which causes insecurities in men. “Men fear ‘man boobs’ and ‘cankles’ just like women fear cellulite and back fat,” says swimming instructor Sydne Didier (Role Reboot). The problem with men being insecure is that if they express their feelings about being insecure, they are almost always assumed to be gay. Girls vent their feelings all the time on social media and to their friends, but when a guy does it; it is considered "unmanly."

Being unable to express your struggle to others has been proven to be a major factor in suicides. Psych Central’s research from 2013 has proven that suicides in men are four times higher than the suicides of women (Men Suicide). Now, I'm not trying to discredit the harsh situation women are in, because as a women myself I know that the daily battle of the physical and emotional demands has reached an impossible standard while attempting to maintain a balanced life. I am just trying to point out that society is creating a similar situation for men that people seem to sweep under the rug, because if the men aren't complaining about it, then it's obviously not there. With women as the minority gender, male gender issues are not discussed. Society condemns the body dysmorphia that Barbies encourages towards women but turns a blind eye to the identical issue brought about by Superman. This kind of ignorance starts serious problems in our society. Obviously someone who feels insecure will not feel comfortable about expressing their insecurities. Making both men and women feel confident in what they say, feel, and look like, by example, and encouragement is one step closer to a world where men and women are not continually forced into singular molds.

Another thing society has so carefully destroyed is the integrity of friendships. Nowadays your friends can be your harshest critics. For women, friends will usually say things to other friends while the subject of the gossip is not around. For men ‘behind one’s back’ isn’t as much of a problem as a group making flaws of the man into a public joke. Studies show that the men who are poking fun are actually trying to move the focus onto someone else’s flaws because they are insecure themselves, causing insecurity in the subject of the joke as well (Addis). Making fun of someone publicly as a joke is something that has become socially acceptable. People don’t even realize that someone’s emotional state is under damage as the playful bullying is in action.

There is nothing wrong with women posting "man crush Monday" pictures on social media, and I'm not saying that being active, attractive, and healthy is wrong. I'm simply trying to point out that both men and women should not feel the need to meet social media’s expectations. The physical expectations toward both sexes create severe body dysmorphia and cultivate mental illness. Assuming men don't understand the realness of trying to reach an incredibly high standard while also having feelings they feel cannot be expressed because of the shallowness of society is wrong.

No, not all men are secretly insecure, just as all women are not insecure. Not all friends are disloyal, and not all of society is corrupt, but even a little darkness in the world can bring down the brightness of the light. Once society is aware of the harmful gender molds, we can retrain our thought patterns to create defenses against impossible standards which will begin to heal our society. Awareness need to be created to help build a more understanding world that realizes media is carefully trying to destroy both the inner and outer beauty that has been given to each man and woman by God himself.

P.S. This arrival goes along great with what you just read: http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/aug/15/suicide-silence-depressed-men

-Malori Ann

Works Cited

Addis, Michael E. "Gender and Depression in Men." Clark U. N.p., n.d. Web. 4 June 2008.

     <https://www.clarku.edu/faculty/addis/menswellbeing/pdfs/genderanddepressioninmen.pdf>.

Dam, Julie K.L., and N.F. Mendoza. "How Do I Look?" People Magazine. N.p., n.d. Web. 4 Sept. 2000.

     <http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20132200,00.html>.

Didier, Sydne. "Men Feel Insecure About Their Bodies Too." Role Reboot. N.p., n.d. Web. 5 Nov. 2013.

     <http://www.rolereboot.org/life/details/2013-11-men-feel-insecure-about-their-bodies-too>.

Nauhert, Rick. "Men's Suicide Rate." Pysch Central. Ed. John M. Grohol. N.p., n.d. Web. 11 June

     2013.

Poem: Robyn Lee Eliason Howell

From day one she loved to score

She'd only stop to help her dad with a chore 

She'd play with her sister or the neighbor boys 

But playing sports was only one of her many joys

To her paying rather than earning was just plain crazy

So she forgot college but not 'cause she was lazy

She put all she had into starting a business

And her ratio of success was more to less

Four daughters soon came along

& she coached and taught them right from wrong

She loved those girls from the start

Although she wasn't great at expressing it from her heart

A disease was found but she didn't care

She knew how much she could bare

The cancer was growing so she decided to attack

But in the end God wanted her back

Her sickness didn't define her worth

It was the things she accomplished from beyond her day of birth

In case I ever go astray

I need not worry because I have an angel watching over me today  

-Malori Ann Howell

Poem: Eternal Love

We met long ago

Each of us went wherever the wind happened to blow

We were lost and looking for a flame

Sadly we took anything that came

We then found each other once again 

Our mutual love we could not explain

Not a moment went by without thinking of each other

But we were human so we still had struggles

People's judgements influenced us

So we tried to adjust

Soon we realized their opinions didn't matter 

And this brought us back together 

He gave me a ring 

Which was something I wanted more than anything

We would finally start our forever

Our love somehow got even better

We have grown old

His passing couldn't be controlled

I am alone but love is not lacking

Because love like ours is everlasting

-Malori Ann Howell

Poem: Career Dreams

You're told you can achieve whatever you yearn

Yet you're kept naive to the fiscal ways

You follow your dream without a concern

Just assuming writing would bring you pay

Soon you realize literature is tough

Seeing others receive more praise than you

Rivalry? The opus was hard enough

How can your passions possibly come true?

Money's influence makes your heart turn blind

Dreams become a fantasy of the past

Choosing to bear a more doable grind

Life is plush, yet you craze a task recast

Regrets form for choosing cash over goals

But how could you succeed with all those tolls?

-Malori Ann Howell

Poem: Melancholy

The feeling consumes you rather slowly

And when you realize your hope defuses

Attempting to hide this grief haltingly

Will only make worse your broken hearts blues

You believe you can conquer this alone

Pushing yourself away from loving peers

But slowly your energy is far blown

And your focus turns to hiding your tears

Soon you become detached from the world

All you crave is an eternal stupor

People notice your sorrow unfurled

Yet don't see your suicidal future

Suddenly you realize you once loved life

So you let someone help put down your knife

 

-Malori Ann Howell